Here's to Judas Maccabeus, boy if he could only see us

Currently, I've lost mein pants. Stangely enough they were removed from mein legs when I down for mein bi-weekly nap. I checked around mein house und couldn't find any sign of intrusion.  Clearly no one came in.  Where did mein pants go?  The last thing a recall was Wilford Brimley lecturing me about the benefits of Liberty Medical whilst slobbering into mein bowl of Quaker Oatmeal.  While all that was going on, in the corner of mein eye there was a midget dancing by himself in the corner if the kitchen.  I remember saying, 'Wilford?  Do you need to abuse me in such way?'  He proceeded to bitchslap me like I was Tina Turner und he was Ike.

Then Francisco Franco stormed in brandishing a rolling pin und proceeded to grab Wilford Brimley by the ear und drag him out of mein haus hitting him on the head which just left me und the midget... alone.  Damn that midget was creepy.  He just kept dancing und staring at me.  Then all of a sudden I didn't feel creeped out that bad.  Because it had struck mein mind that I was someone he could look up to. 

All of a sudden I heard a comotion outside the window.  I checked und I saw Jesus giving directions to a young couple on a Sunday drive.  I did a very nice painting of what it.  I think I might sell it.

Til again.

World Peace at the push of a button

As a very young man growing up in Berlin during World War II, all I wanted was world peace. We Germans were subjected to Nazi propaganda und ideas that we were the mightiest country in the world. Most of the German people knew towards the end of the war that Hitler was as they say, 'Off his rocker'. Peace was not far off. Hitler fled Germany in April of '45 und on August 6th und 9th of that year, peace finally showed itself.

I my studies at Dinty Moore University, I became fascinated with Einstein's Tensor Equation. I studied it day und night trying to find an answer within its words and physics. While working at Base-211 in Antarctica in 1964, I discovered Caesium-137 or Cs-137. A key element in my device.

My device for World Peace is the Gravitational Singularity Bomb. Something I have been working on for years and have now created. The Gravitational Singularity Bomb contains a small version of a sub-atomic particle accelerator made of titanium which moves at a clockwise motion which moves the Cs-137 in a clockwise motion. The dark matter also contained within the accelerator moves in a counter-clockwise motion. The frame of the accelerator moves the entire thing in a gyroscopic motion thus changing the polarity of both dark matter and Cs-137. When all three are combined, happiness und perfection shall prevail.

Marxism and Greece

To: United Press
Attn: Editor in Chief

April 17th,1937

Grease is not the word. Nor will it evermore be the word. The fabric of time and space has nothing is store for you so just shove off into a black hole or something. Now with that all said und done, I shall hand you off to Turkey. There the Turks will treat you barbarically. A pie in the at the top and half of every hour until forced to surrrrrender your secrets of the Shanghai Wild Animal Park Scandal of 1936. It was only a little black rain cloud.

The Freedonian Dishwashers Union Army has been issued new orders from President Firefly***stop***Trial of Chicolini to begin at 8AM***stop***Sylvanian Ambassador Trentino holds troops on high alert at Freedonian Border***stop***Man who washed his feet in Lemonade stand still at large***stop***Mirror in the Teasdale estate still broken***stop***

The Osterlich border could possibly see a Bacterium invasion at any moment. Duce Napaloni of Bacteria has held his troops and flying dreadnoughts on Osterlich border. Adnoid Hynkel of Tomainia is furious with Napaloni's move will give speak this morning before the Osterlich people.

In Moronica, Moe Hailstone delivered a speech before the masses. Field Marshall Gallstone and Minister of Propaganda Pebble was also in attendance. Applause, cheers, and hisses were given during the speech. A gang of protesters stormed Hailstone Palace. Hailstone, Gallstone, and Pebble were lasted spotted running into a cave.

April 17th, 1937

Sincerely, Walter Leland Wilcox